Feedback is one of my favourite topics to coach around. There’s so much to unpack and explore, and a lot we can reframe in a short amount of time.
While most often we’re working through how to give and receive it, there can also be times when we want more than we’re getting - because how can we improve if we don’t know where we are?
We just need to remember to ask a useful question, so that we get some useful information in response - instead of defaulting to “Could you give me some feedback?”.
One simple question has made an enormous difference to my life, my relationships, my choices - and a lot of conversations with my husband: “Can I talk at you for a bit?”
I know now that when I’m stuck or need to work through something, I do my best thinking and feeling when the words come out of my head.
Often, I really don’t know how I feel about something until I say it out loud, and it can take me by surprise.
I’m so glad that I know this now, because it’s not a neat process.
It can take some time and lots of verbal circles - creating a messy first draft and then revising in real time. I need to follow the thread without worrying about it making sense.
And for that, I need a patient witness to listen and let me talk it out. To be OK with me talking AT them for a bit, rather than WITH them.
Standing up and speaking in front of an audience - whether sharing a story, giving a speech, or presenting your work - can be a wonderful experience.
It’s an opportunity to have an impact on people who matter to you, personally or professionally.
And it can also be completely nerve wracking.
Our minds can go wild - the doubt can creep in and the ‘what ifs’ start - and our body can get in the mix too.
My tells? My heart begins to pound and my legs start to shake - a winning combination!
And I know I’m not alone.
I’ve done a lot of coaching sessions recently around communication.
How do we understand what someone else is saying?
How do we make ourselves understood?
There can be a lot of emotion when it feels like it isn’t working - frustration, anger, disappointment, bitterness...
Both people are trying their best. But often the conversation doesn’t bring out the best in either of them.
“How do they prefer to communicate?” is a great question to move past the challenge and find a way forward.
Over lunch the other day my husband asked me this question and it was brilliant.
Because I couldn’t answer it.
I had been bemoaning the lack of a perfect solution in a few areas of my life - not big challenges, more small niggles that didn’t feel quite right.
I really had to stop and think.
And it turns out that was exactly what I needed to do :-)
I’ve spent a good few hours working 1:1 with someone over the last few weeks, supporting them, coaching them, helping them prepare for a big life event.
And I’ve had almost no idea what they have actually said.
My son has been prepping for his German A level speaking exam, and I’ve been the person listening to him as he practices out loud.
It’s helped something really click - that coaching, or supporting someone in any form, is so often about focusing on the person and not the problem/topic/situation.
What’s your relationship with praise?
Do you delight in it, or dodge it?
Do you take it to heart, or skip right past it?
Do you rely on it, but worry that it might not last?
I have done all of these, and often still do.
So, it’s been useful to remind myself to take a closer look at it, in a productive way.
Do you struggle with self promotion?
Does it feel icky to share what you’re up to?
That you shouldn’t have to be political to get ahead?
That it should be enough to do good work and be rewarded for it?
It’s not just you.
I coach a lot around visibility, and voice, and how to show up and share what you’re up to without feeling icky - both within an organisation, or online.
When people bring this topic it can feel as though there are only two choices…
