One simple question has made an enormous difference to my life, my relationships, my choices - and a lot of conversations with my husband: “Can I talk at you for a bit?”
I know now that when I’m stuck or need to work through something, I do my best thinking and feeling when the words come out of my head.
Often, I really don’t know how I feel about something until I say it out loud, and it can take me by surprise.
I’m so glad that I know this now, because it’s not a neat process.
It can take some time and lots of verbal circles - creating a messy first draft and then revising in real time. I need to follow the thread without worrying about it making sense.
And for that, I need a patient witness to listen and let me talk it out. To be OK with me talking AT them for a bit, rather than WITH them.
I’m grateful that I have people in my life who can be this person for me - my husband, my coach, my coaching supervisor - it’s such a gift.
However, I’ve also realised that it doesn’t have to be just them. If I ask someone if I can talk at them for a bit, they’ll often say yes.
I just have to ask them :-)
So often, when we want to talk something through with someone, we forget to do this.
We expect them to somehow know, and it can be super frustrating when the person is doing normal conversation things like chiming in with similar experiences, making suggestions, offering unsolicited advice - when what you’d like is something different.
Maybe you’re looking for a listening ear, or perhaps:
A space to get some stuff off your chest or out of your system?
Advice about what the other person would do if they were in your shoes?
A different perspective?
Some options to narrow down your choices, or a question to open up your thinking?
A hug?
When we ask for what we want from the other person we can have a better conversation.
You can get the support you’re looking for, and the other person can focus their attention on that too (and let go of the pressure to figure out or fix anything).
Much more fun, and better for our relationships too.
What are you looking for from your next conversation?
And is there a simple question you could ask to help you get it?
Wishing you all a week of more collaborative conversations ✨
