I’ve always been fascinated by who we are and why we are.
For many years I loved a personality test, a type assessment, a quiz - any way to help me find out who I was and what made me tick.
Most of them were useful in some way - helpful lenses that showed me where I fit in someone else’s framework - but even more useful has been building my own personal understanding, from the inside out.
Sometimes in life it can feel as though we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Perhaps we’re trying to make a decision about whether to stay and put up with where we are, or leave now to find something new?
Or choosing whether to keep the peace and stay quiet, or speak up and create conflict?
Or wondering whether to say yes and go all in, or no and let it go?
When I’m trying to figure something out, the hardest place to do so is in my own head.
My thoughts and feelings go round in circles, trying and failing to find a way through - never the most useful process!
Once I get them out - either onto paper, or into words - it’s so much easier to see and understand what I think and feel.
And it’s not just me.
Ah hindsight!
Isn’t it funny how life can keep giving you the same learning over and over again?
Each time it looks a bit different. And then you realise - oh this again!
Mine is all about doing too much for too long and exhausting myself.
It starts with being busy, running around with no space in between things. I feel a sense of urgency to complete everything on an endless to do list, and yet even as I’m ticking them off, I’m adding more.
The short-term payoff is feeling super productive - but it always leads to overwhelm.
Over time I’ve learned to spot the spiral. I know to take a breath and a step back. To ask myself:
Does this really need to happen now?
What needs to be done, and what can wait?
If I focused on just one thing, what would it be?
And to give myself the time and space to declutter, to simplify, and follow my energy instead of a list.
Of course, once I got good at this, it showed up differently.
I started filling the space with different things. Not the everyday ones (I’ve learned that lesson!), but the ones I always meant to get to, if only I had the time…
And then I exhausted myself. Lesson learned - again :-)
I know from experience that I’m much more effective when I do less rather than more, and yet it’s still a recurring challenge.
It’s sneaky and rarely shows up in the same way twice. It finds a disguise - and too late - I realise I’ve fallen into the trap again!
And of course, I always will. But I can and am learning to spot it earlier, and to be kinder to myself when it happens. I can even laugh (in hindsight).
What’s your never-ending life lesson?
The one that shows up differently each time? The recurring challenge, that constantly raises its level?
And what helps you spot it and come back to centre?
Wishing you the power of hindsight and kindness to yourself,
Do I fit? Do you like me?
This Post-it note was originally for my teenage son - a prompt for him to try on a shirt, left lying in an obvious position to help drive a decision.
It made me smile, and also realise what useful questions they were.
I imagined it stuck to all kinds of things!
When we’re presented with a choice it can really help to have something to respond to.
Questions can be a great option - a way of sparking our thinking process.
Examples from coaching sessions include:
Do I want to do this, and is it doable?
Does this feel interesting, and do I have the energy for it?
Can I do this, and can I still be me while I do it?
How do I feel? What do I need?
Sometimes they stay the same - reliable questions that multi-task.
Sometimes they change depending on the situation, or what’s most important at the time.
The key is to have something to respond to, because useful questions help us filter our choices, so we can figure out what’s right for us - and let go of the rest.
What questions help you filter your choices?
And would popping them on a Post-it note be a useful reminder?
Wishing you all a week of useful filtering,
I used to think that every decision could be made logically, until I looked back and realised that all my best ones were made in a different way!
They were the decisions that felt completely right - even if they looked brave or risky to others.
They took me on gap years and solo travel adventures, led me to reapply for Marketing training schemes when I didn’t make it the first time, helped me leave a job I loved (twice) to explore a new path, and so much more.
But for a long time, I couldn’t articulate how I made them.
I have a new pair of jeans. They caught my eye in my local shop and I picked them up on a whim. When I tried them, on I loved them instantly - so comfortable, so soft, such a nice fit!
Then second guessed myself. Were they OK? Did they look OK on me? They were a very different shape, and I didn’t look like I normally did.
I really needed a second opinion, another pair of eyes, a sense check. So, I asked the person in the shop those questions. I know, like and trust her perspective - she always let me know (very directly!) if something suits me or not.
It really helped.
When we’re grappling with a big decision our thoughts and feelings can go round and round, stuck in a loop that we can’t find a way to divert or direct.
It can feel exhausting, like we’re not getting anywhere, and yet… sometimes circling is an important part of our process.
In my own experience - and in coaching others - I find that we can often circle and explore the same topic or decisions over a number of sessions, days, weeks or months.
Especially if it’s a big one. One that takes us somewhere new or different in our life, work or relationships. One that impacts our lives or the people around us.
And that’s absolutely fine.
Many years ago, a defining experience was not getting a job I thought I really wanted.
I had applied to a graduate scheme that felt like the perfect next step, and made it all the way to the last stage before not getting an offer.
It felt like a shocking failure. An example of not measuring up.
For many years I made it all about me and what I’d done wrong. If only I could have been different, been more of what they were looking for.
I never stopped to wonder if it simply wasn’t the right fit for me.
